Memories

I've been watching the "Yearbook" marathon today. That has put me in a nostalgic mood. I've been thinking about where I was and what my life was like during the featured year. When the 80s are mentioned, I think of my marriage and my kids. I got married in 1980. My daughters were born in 1981 and 1984. The marriage finally ended in 1990. Getting married was a big mistake. My ex would still be married to me, if he had his druthers. I am grateful that I had two wonderful children, despite the marriage being a losing proposition. To be fair, it was my fault we got married. I mean, I could have said no. But, I was at a very bad place at the time and unbeknownst to me, I was getting married in an attempt to gain the approval of my grandmother. She was no longer alive, but apparently, that didn't matter. At least, that's what a therapist told me once. I have been lost since very early on. I still don't know where or what I am meant to be. Once my children were born, I made raising them my mission. They are women now. My task is complete. I think about what the rest of my life will be. I don't have answers.

Ding Dong Saddam Is Dead

Well, they put Saddam Hussein to death. That's that. Iraq is still a clusterfuck of gigantic proportions. There is an interesting video that details the distinguished career of the late murderer. America was largely responsible for his coming to power in Iraq. Life is funny, isn't it?
http://www.bushflash.com/swf/thanks.swf

A Little Better

Today I feel pretty good. I don't know what changed, but I am not feeling depressed, so that's good. Work was okay. I was busy and the day flew by. We are off tomorrow and Monday so I have 4 whole days to do whatever. My boss and I had a strategy talk. From now on, we are going to call this shrew on her craziness. Without resorting to insults or anything HR can get us for, we will let her know that she is wrong. This will be good for us. Right now, the stress we are feeling from stuffing everything down is causing us to feel like crap every day. He is trying to figure out how to retire early! I am shopping my resume'. That's insane. She's the one who needs to get out, not us. But, since the V.P. is under her evil spell, that ain't gonna happen.

Work

This week the office is very quiet. Most people are on vacation. My boss and I like to work this week every year. No one around to bother us, like his boss for instance. I am afraid that I am going to start saying what I think, which might mean I could get the boot. My boss and I talk all the time about teetering on the edge of mouthing off and getting fired. I'm glad I work for someone who thinks like I do. It would suck if he was clueless. This woman in our company, who is a constant source of aggravation for us, pulled another classic stunt today. She told the accounting person that a particular issue belonged to our department when, in fact, it belongs to hers. And everyone involved knows it. In some alternate universe this could be a situation comedy. But, in real life, it isn't funny. My boss has given up on trying to say anything to his boss about her. That man is blind, deaf and dumb when it comes to the shortcomings of this woman. She is ugly inside and out, so we don't think they are doing the nasty. Rather, it is some sort of misplaced loyalty that is too tiresome to go into here. Suffice it to say, that the man protects her and backs her play, always. Now, nobody is right 100% of the time. But, in his universe, she is. I have updated my resume' and am scouring the job listings. I want out of this nuthouse.

I'm fighting

I'm fighting every day to keep depression from taking over. I remind myself that my life could be so much worse. I have a job that pays pretty well. My kids are healthy. We have somewhere to live. There are a lot of people who are jobless and homeless and in ill health. It does help to remind myself not to get to negative. It's hard.

Bah

I'm glad it's over. Christmas, I mean. I had a fine Christmas, but I just don't like all of the hype anymore. The season is months long. Everything is overdone. I would be just as happy not having any holiday at all. I don't like things being abnormal for so long. I guess my routine gives me some sort of comfort. I don't know why that is. I have to go back to work tomorrow. That's a drag. I really hate that place. I sent my resume' to a company looking for an operations manager. I've never been a manager, but I know I can be a good one. I have more on the ball than all but one of the managers where I work. That's a sad commentary, isn't it? Anyway, nothing ventured, right?

The Christmas Spirit

My daughter just sent me an email from work. It seems that a woman (vice-president) gave everyone who works there a gift except my daughter. I was so angry I wanted to slap the bitch. But, I acted only mildly outraged when my daughter called me. I told her that maybe it was an oversight. She asked me if the woman shouldn't have told her that she forgot or something, if that was the case. Yes, I guess she should have, if it really was a mistake. It is unethical for an officer in an organization to discriminate against an employee. This is a small, family owned company though. Things are not always done according to Hoyle. But, this is egregious, even for them. What a nice way to start the long Christmas holiday.

Christmas

I'm not really in the Christmas spirit. My youngest daughter isn't either. It might have something to do with the weather. It is very warm for this time of year and there is no snow on the ground. Plus my mother is undergoing cancer treatment. Plus there's my job, which is a constant source of aggravation. Then there's the money thing, the not enough part. So, I guess it makes sense that I don't feel all jolly and stuff. The stupid war drags on and on and that idiot in the White House gets more stupid by the day. It's not a real good time all in all.

Tired

My mother has cancer. She was diagnosed about 2 months ago. I have been taking her to appointments for chemo and radiation. It's exhausting for everyone. Basically they are treating her to keep her comfortable. She might have a year, more or less. Unfortunately, some of her cancer is next to her trachea. The other is in her brain where balance is controlled. Some day, the cancer will win. But, for now, we are hoping she can swallow okay and not fall over. Small things. Big things.

Our Inept Pres

The Iraq Bipartisan Study group presented its recommendations to the president and the country. The ideas seem sound and they might work. Our idiot president, however, is an egomaniac and cannot stand to have anyone tell him what to do, so the popular wisdom says he will not accept ALL of the recommendations. He is such a loser.

Home

John Edwards has written a book, "Home, The Blueprints of Our Lives". Famous and not so famous people talk about the homes they grew up in. Edwards has just built a fantastic house for his family on 100 acres. When you look out from his back patio you see grass and trees.
I grew up in a house, not a home. We never had any money and my mother didn't really know or care about how to decorate a house. We had what was necessary. There were pictures on the walls, but I couldn't tell you what they were. We did have one thing that I thought was beautiful. I still have it. It is a 1950s floor lamp. I think someone gave it to my parents as a gift.
A lot of our furniture was handed down from relatives. My uncle gave us a waterfall dresser that I wish I still had. I was a teenager at that time and didn't fully appreciate its value. I thought it was nice, though. My sister and I shared a room and our twin beds were also handed down from relatives. Our house was not warm. It was not cozy. It was shelter.
When I was getting divorced and was in counseling, my therapist said that it is important to make our home our own. I needed to surround myself with things that make me happy and that have meaning to me. When I sold my house and moved into an apartment, I got rid of almost everything. I bought new furniture, a new dining room table, a new entertainment center, and a large print of a violin that hangs in my bedroom. I found black and white prints of a scene from Casablanca (the airport scene), from The Wizard of Oz (Dorothy and Glenda in Munchkinland), and one of Mae West just being Mae West. I had them framed and they hang in my living room. I have a three shelf bookcase that I have had since I had my first apartment as a 21 year old. It was unfinished when I bought it and I remember staining and polishing it. I love its simplicity. Books are treasures to me and the bookcase is filled with books I love. I also have a roll top desk that is all wood. I love it. I have my grandmother's dresser in my bedroom. It is beautifully simple. My bed does not have a headboard. I looked all over for a particular old style headboard and never found it. I ran out of disposable income and I don't want to settle for anything but the one I have in my head.
I know that growing up in the house I grew up in, with the family I had, has affected me in a lot of negative ways. I have spent my life making mistakes and suffering the consequences of growing up in a family where neither parent had any idea how to raise kids. My parents did what they knew how to do and unfortunately, it wasn't very nurturing. We survived. I hated growing up in my house and family. I have spent my adult life trying to overcome my childhood. Sometimes, I think I'll succeed.

No Such Luck

I didn't win. That depressed me for a while. Why can't I catch a break?